I wish I could teleport
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
