Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
