so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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