Moan for me like Helen Keller
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
