and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
