Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i believe in u and ur pee
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
