My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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