im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
