I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
