I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
