I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
