his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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