Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
