Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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