I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
