God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
