mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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