Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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