fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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