Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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