4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
