The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
