Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
