no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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