I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
