i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Shame - the story of my life.
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