Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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