i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Drake has all the answers
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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