I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
