Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Found the puke drawer
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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