# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
