Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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