The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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