I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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