apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
