what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
