I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
