I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
