can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
