If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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