I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
