If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
