At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
