I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
