Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
