You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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