Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize