Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
