My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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