opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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