See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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