were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
