Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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