went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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