Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
