I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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