sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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