I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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