kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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