I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
