imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She's the barista slut.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
