when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
