Banned from zoo.
Again?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
