just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
