i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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