I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
