i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
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