I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize